Mike and Nick go into a bar, whooping and hollering. "Bartender, drinks for everyone. We're buying!" they shout.
"What's the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us seven months," Nick replies.
"Seven months?" says the bartender. "What's the big deal? It shouldn't take you seven months to do a puzzle."
"Oh, yeah?" Mike answers. "On the box it said 'two to four years'!"
Mortified doesn't describe how Jane's parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.
After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."
"mom," Jane said, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Spotting the befuddled CEO holding a piece of paper and standing by the shredder, the assistant decided to help. "This document's very important," said the CEO. "Can you make this thing work?"
The assistant turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed "start."
"Great," said the CEO as his paper disappeared into the machine. "I just need one copy."
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
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